5 Aug, 2023, I am going through something don't know what? I don’t feel like doing anything. May be I am burnout or I am just super Procrastinating. May be its just all in my head and I am just acting it up. Its like I’ve lost my interest for programming. I am kind of hating the chair, the laptop, the screen. The thing, I used to enjoy now feels repetitive or too hard even in my imagination. May be I’ve lost all my will power? Or its just a normal thing. Feels like I am losing control in a lot of stuff. Don’t wanna watch movies, drawing require tremendous energy its like some serverless function with long cold start timing and this cold start thing is coming up again and again. So I am just starting and stopping. In the night when I am on bed, I kind of fear the next day that i have to work again. so I have to say myself you won’t be working tomorrow.
I tried few stuff I thought may be I need to get bored up for sometime to make things interesting again. The theory was — the world is full of interesting meaningless stuff like short videos, social media, video games. If you consume tasty stuff every single day the dry stuff will sure be unbearable. So just thought of letting myself be bored. I couldn’t do it actually.
Another Theory I made up. I finished the last project while I was doing internship. Worked on it for 2 hours max every evening. May be this is the way I should work giving two three hours max to the project. May be going full time is too much for this kind of stuff.
I tend to lose interest in something pretty quick. Which is why I want to do a whole lot of stuff. Therefore, it's possible that what I experience is not personal burnout but rather the fatigue of a particular idea or pursuit, like programming. It could be this kind of burnout.
I guess, I need a break from computers. May be couple of months. It’s been 8 years I must have stared at that red-green-blue pixel every single day. Although, the feeling of year finishing, the stress, I didn’t complete anything substantial this year is making my head burst. 3 months will almost finish up the year. well fuck off. what’s in the the year. I did achieve a lot last year. so its OK. Its time then to shut down the laptop after a long time and put it in a bag (so that I don’t even have to see it) and need to say myself buddy don’t worry about your future you’ll be fine; you just need to back off a bit.
Wouldn't it be a bit boring? I have to have something for me to do. May be I could read, write my thoughts I guess I am enjoying it. But I can’t read for more than 2 hours. I could go for walk in the evening. Exercise - may be again I could focus on exercise for more than half an hour. Should I spend sometime with my family? or wash my clothes myself? clean the room? Or wake up a little early? I could sketch too. there’s a lot of chores I can do. This is good.
So I guess that is it for now.